black hole

I am very guarded, very meticulous, very strategic in how I carry out my life overall. At least I try to be. I do find myself in spouts of carelessness but mostly as a consequence of cognitive overload. There are times I find myself so hopeless, I don’t get out of my bed. In those moments, any external factor could drastically push me past the depths of what already seems like the bottom of the bottom. In those moments, I crave a little stability. In those moments, I crave confidence. In those moments, I crave to rid myself of this neuroticism.

I look to others and realize this can only be found within myself and wonder where, what chapter of my life could this possibly be? I’ve scavenged, frantically in the past few years, to make any connection to shed some light to no avail.

In the last few years of my high school career, I tried to find myself in the church. I consistently went to church whether in the city or in my mom’s small hometown. It was working for a while, until I really divulged into what I was participating in. In theory, the church is where I need to be. Religion is used to more or less give hope in a hopeless world and I crave that. I crave something to live for besides the sake of living. In reality, organized religion has become so superficial. It’s lost the hope that it was buttressed and rooted in and became us vs. them. I can’t in good conscience let that become me.

I promised myself that if I carry out my life as a good person, I’ll find what I’m looking for in religion. But I don’t even know what that means, I don’t even know what I’m looking for.

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